After watching Batman Begins for the umpteenth time, I started making jokes along with it. It got to the point where I had to write them down. So enjoy my take on the movie.
A young Bruce Wayne runs after a girl, “Rachel! Let me see!”
He finds her, “Can I see?”
“Finders Keepers and I found it.”
“In my garden.”
Bruce snatches the Indian arrowhead from Rachel's hand and runs away.
“Dick!” Rachel yells.
Bruce runs to hide and falls through a covered well, breaking his arm.
“Pwnd!”
Bruce hears fluttering coming from down the tunnel. Suddenly Count von Count appears. Bruce Wayne is forever traumatized.
An older Bruce Wayne wakes up in a Chinese/Korean/Japanese prison camp.
An inmate asks, “You a have a bad a dream a?”
“Nightmare.”
“Worse a than a this a prace?”
“I dreamt Paris Hilton got another TV show.”
“Shit, that bad.”
Bruce and his inmate friend walk outside to get some food consisting of essential proteins and amino acids, also known as “Tasty Wheat.”
His friend informs him, “Now a, Gordo a fight a you.”
“Again?”
“Untir they gain enough points to use one of their power ups. His 64 hit combo is devastating.”
“I was really looking forward to my bowl of snot.”
Gordo knocks Bruce's bowl out of his hand, “You are in Hell littre man.”
He punches Bruce in the face, “And I am . . . the Devir.”
“You're not he Devil, you're his lower minion, like one of those guys who does his taxes. Not really as bad as the Devil, but if you're gonna be doing his taxes, it kind of makes you an accomplice. I think his named Gary.”
Bruce proceeds to beat up Gordo knocking over some chopsticks. Six other guys join the fight, not really because they hate Bruce, but because they really like chopsticks. Sadly, the fight was stopped when Bruce only needed five more points before a power up.
“Solitary!” a guard yells.
“Aw, but I prefer Freecell.”
“Not for you. For them!” the guard points at Danny Ocean and Daniel Craig in a tuxedo.
Bruce is thrown into a jail where a voice says, “Are you so desperate to fight criminals that you lock yourself in to fight them one at a time.”
“Aslan?”
“Uh, no, my name is--”
“Quigon?”
“No, I am merely--”
“Oh you're that guy who tracked down those guys who kidnapped your daughter.”
“LISTEN! I am Ducah. I come to bring a proposition for you.”
“What makes you think you know what I want?”
“Only you can figure that out. Tomorrow you will be set free.”
“Chinese/Korean/Japanese judicial system is awesome!”
“It's conditional. You must travel to the top of the mountain and bring a flower.”
“So in my malnourished state with no means of traveling up a mountain with proper gear, you want me to bring a single flower that may well be dead upon my arrival if I'm not already dead?”
“Precisely.”
Bruce Wayne does this and arrives at a big Japanese building in the Chinese country. Inside is a man sitting at a throne.
“Raz Ogul?”
“No, I am the guy from Inception. This merely a dream. We were hoping to unlock the secrets of your Wayne Enterprises by invading your dreams. This is called “Extraction.” Leo is in the other room fighting with his wife while we distract you into joining our super-ultra-gundam-secret organization.”
“So what are you seeking?”
“I seek a means to fight injustice, to turn fear into pancakes.”
“Pancakes?”
“Yes, everyone loves pancakes. If fear could some-how be extracted from each person in the world, and turned into pancakes, the world would be a much better place. To be honest with you, I just watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs last night.”
“I don't like pancakes.” a guard speaks up.
“Do you like blueberries?” Bruce asks.
“Well... yes. I do love blueberries.”
“Then, this Fear-Extractomatic-Pancake-Maker will also allow the infusion of blueberries.”
“I guess I could deal with that.”
Bruce presents the flower, “I also seek a vase.”
Ducah takes the flower, “To create this contraption, you will need business permits, and also submit an application the EPA ensuring that it will not harm the environment. Are you ready?”
“Well, my feet are blacked with frostbite from the walk up, and since I haven't had any real food in over a week, not to mention I've pretty much had to eat snow for water, and drink my own pee, Bear Grylse style, so I don't think I could even stand right now.”
Ducah kicks Bruce in the chest, “Death does not wait for you to drink pee! Death does not consider it clean. And make no mistake, hear you face pee!” Ducah tries to kick again, but Bruce blocks him.
Ducah switches up his different fighting styles, “Tiger!”
“Jujitsu!”
“Crappy Crane.”
Bruce holds his hand over his mouth, “Oh, God, that's rank.”
Bruce can barely breathe and passes out from the stench.
Ducah places the flower on Bruce's lapel, “You do fear something Bruce, but it is not me. What do you fear?”
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